Kokiepop

Lately, I have been missing my grandpa Forrest aka Kokiepop a lot. When I asked my mom why she called him that she said, “Because he always had soda pop.” See, he was a very thoughtful man because he always stocked up on mom’s favorite and mine. Hers being Coke, and mine, well, Sunkist orange. Kokiepop loved Sunkist orange, in fact he’s the reason I fell in love with it. In the garage, hidden behind a huge, wooden sliding door full of canned goods, there was always soda pop. Sometimes I would sneak an extra since I was allowed only one can per visit. Thug life. Then he and I would go hang out in his office for a bit. He would read the newspaper and fill out the crossword puzzle. Meanwhile, I would stare at his Pez collection and mess with it. On his workstation table you’d find two glasses with orange soda with cozies slipped on them, resting on coasters. He was crazy about his cozies and coasters.

I was crazy about him. He was my best friend, other than my dad. They were so much alike, I guess that’s why I was so fond of my grandpa because my dad was awesome too. Like father, like son. My Kokiepop and I did everything together. I was his first grandchild and I knew I meant the world to him. From the time I was born to about 6 years old I remained very close with him. When I was 6, my parents split and I lived with mom. We bounced around a lot while I was growing up and I didn’t get to see or talk to my grandpa much.

Throughout the years, a lot of shit happened and I pretty much became non-existent to my dad’s side of the family. Although, my love for my grandpa always remained and I never thought of him differently. Unlike the rest of my family..they’re like Alopecia..the little devils. Anyways, not the point….

On January 25th, 2011 Kokiepop passed away. I wasn’t informed until 2 or 3 months had already passed. I was on my lunch break at work and was on the phone with my sister Bella. She mentioned the family was in Sacramento recently because Kokiepop died. I LOST MY SHIT. If I may say so, I am quite the damn professional at work, but I lost it. I had her put dad on the phone. When I asked about Kokipop, he sounded so non-chalant. “Oh yeah, he passed away in January.” Foreal, “oh yeah?” Unbelievable. (Oh, and just a quick side note, my dad and I are estranged too, which doesn’t help.)

When I asked if he was buried or cremated, the answer I got wasn’t much of anything. “Uh, I don’t know.” HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW? He was your father, what??? So, for the past 6 years I have settled for “Uh, I don’t know.” Earlier today, I did some research and stumbled upon Kokiepop’s burial information. This information had not been available in the past but now that I have it, I’m planning. I’m planning to visit him in Orange County.

Omg, honestly, I thought I was going to cry while writing this but I think I ran out of tears. I cried for a good 15 minutes before I started writing this and now I’m just so exhausted. Oh, and hungry. I find crying makes me tired and hungry. Does that happen to you? Luckily, I have Kleenex nearby and chocolate cake. With that being said, it’s 11:4o pm and I’m gonna eat some fuckin’ cake.

 

Living with Alopecia Areata

So, I have this medical condition or if you really want to get technical with it, an “auto-immune disease” called Alopecia Areata. This year will mark 5 years since I was first diagnosed with it. Geez, time flew right past me. Unbelievable.

So, what is Alopecia? Well, it’s the devil. Just kidding…nah but really though, it’s the devil. I always struggle with explaining what it is so I’m going to refer to everyone’s “go-to,” WIKIPEDIA. It’s lightweight credible, right? Again, kidding- HAHA.

Alopecia areata, also known as spot baldness, is an autoimmune disease in which hair is lost from some or all areas of the body, usually from the scalp due to the body’s failure to recognize it’s own body cells and subsequent destruction of it’s own tissue.^[1][2] Often it results in bald spots on the scalp, especially in the first stages. In 1–2% of cases, the condition can spread to the entire scalp (alopecia totalis) or to the entire skin (alopecia universalis).

There are two types: (1) scarring alopecia, where there is fibrosis, inflammation, and loss of hair follicles, and (2) nonscarring alopecia, where the hair shafts are gone but the hair follicles are preserved, making this type of alopecia reversible.^[3]Conditions resembling alopecia areata, and having a similar cause, occur also in other species.^[4]

See, I told you it’s the devil. Even though I have the nonscarring kind, it continues to affect me in more ways than you can imagine.  Sure, to some this may seem minimal, and of course I understand there are bigger problems in the world. Honestly, I feel only those who suffer from this too are the only ones who can truly understand my pain.

I hope anything I say in this post doesn’t offend anybody because that is not my intention. The point of this post is to provide maybe some sort of comfort or relief to someone who is struggling with Alopecia. You ain’t alone, boo, I got you. After I was diagnosed I immersed myself in researching Alopecia as much as I could. I am so grateful to those who shared their stories on social media. I cannot tell you how many hours I spent on Tumblr, YouTube, Instagram and etc.

This shit is no joke. It fucks with your emotions. It messes with your head. This May will be 5 years for me and I’m still trippin’.

Anyway, ready for the back story? Aight, so I was getting ready for my birthday party. The big 21, WHOOP! WHOOP! As I was straightening my hair, my cousin walks up to me and teased the bald spot on the top of my head. I thought she was messin’ with me until I tilted my head and saw it in the mirror. My first bald spot was dime sized and on the top of my fuckin’ head. This was the cherry on top of me being dumped that same morning by my boyfriend at the time.

Naturally, of course like the big ass baby I am, I ran to my room and cried. Then, I poured myself another drink, then another drink, and accepted more drinks until I knocked out. Such a memorable birthday but I’ll save that for another post though.

Treatment was not very successful for me because my Alopecia was severely aggressive. I tried injections and topical solutions but they weren’t strong enough. I had multiple small, bald spots that were located all over my head and eventually decided to unite forces. Yeah, those little spots became a giant, evil spot and I had barely any hair left. 90% of my hair fell out within less than a year and a half. Can you imagine the emotional, mental and physical damage?  A balding, 21 year old woman who already lacked confidence and self esteem, what the hell.

Everyday I would find strands, sometimes clumps of hair lingering on my clothes, my bed, my hair brush and my hands during showers were the worst. I would cry in the shower and I would cry myself to sleep at night feeling so embarrassed and ugly. You know, for women, our hair is our security blanket. Growing up as young girls and into women, we’re taught it’s also what makes us beautiful. I stopped feeling beautiful and felt the world wouldn’t see me as beautiful either.

After time had passed and some hair grew back, I was able to use clip in extensions! Yo, extensions had me feelin’ hella brand new! I’m not even gonna lie, I was hella juiced! For a good 2 years I was spot free until last week. ANNOYING! I have a spot on top of my head again and of course it’s located around where I part my hair. Awesome.

Anyways, I’ll probably update the status of the little demon on my head every now and then but hopefully this helped someone.If not, it’s cool. It’s 9:42 pm and I’m gonna eat some cheese now, goodnight world.

Ber

Earlier this week I was informed about the passing of a former co-worker of mine. I do not want to go into details about how he passed but I would like to share some other things with y’all.

Ber (pronounced as “Bear “) and I were not close friends, but he was someone I worked with everyday for a good 6 months. We went through the hiring process, orientation, and training together. We were placed on the same team and attended weekly team meetings.

Meetings were always so interesting because he’d always wanted to share something with us. Don’t get me wrong–sharing knowledge and your experiences are not a bad thing of course, it’s just sometimes the meetings would go left ’cause Ber would ramble LOL. Although, we would give anything to hear him ramble now even if it would take 10 minutes for him to get to the point.

As I mentioned before, Ber and I were not the closest of friends but he was a damn good colleague. He had a brilliant mind and heart. He taught me so many things and I greatly benefited from that at work. Anytime I needed help, Ber had my back. See, that is just the type of person he was because he was always willing/wanting to help. He really cared about US.

Since Day 1 of training, we were told to get to know each other because we were going to need each other after training. Our trainer could not stress it any more than he had about how important it was for us to form a bond, to become a family. That’s just what we did and it impacted us big time, for the better.

Today, we attended Ber’s service at his church. The room was filled with many of those who adore and love Ber. Afterwards, we went to Shoki Ramen House because he would always eat ramen. At the table, we shared stories, laughter and tears. Ever since he passed, I have realized that I have been having a hard time dealing with it. I’m angry at the situation and how things happened. Honestly, I think many of us from our team feel the same. Ber wasn’t just a co-worker, he truly was family. He was part of our family and we have our trainer to thank for that.

I know earlier we toasted in your honor but I just found out you too loved whiskey! So, I’m pouring some Jamey, “one for me and one for you “ even though my ass is going to be drinking both shots but whatever LOL, shit.

You will be greatly missed. Thank you for everything Ber, with AppleCare ❤

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

What’s up, world? *nervous laugh*

So, I’ve decided to return to the world of blogging. I had one before when I was much younger but didn’t actually share my thoughts or feelings. I never felt comfortable with sharing my feelings with people, not even my best friends or family. Even poems or songs I wrote in the past. I guess I didn’t want to be judged, misunderstood, yadayadayada, you get the idea.

I started writing in a journal some time ago and that was cool. Except for the ink residue on my fingers, which annoys the crap out of me. I’m a lefty–notebooks and I don’t get a long very well. I suppose I could get a notebook for lefty’s but from what I have found, shit is expensive.

After being inspired by my cousin and friends who use social media to express themselves I decided to join too! I’m learning how to embrace my vulnerability and put it out there for others. Who knows, maybe some of you can relate to me and my experiences just like I have with others. I have come across some amazing blogs/vlogs that have helped me personally and if I am able to do that for someone, that’s awesome! We live in a crazy world, but a little love can go a long way. Let’s sprinkle that shit everywhere.

So, please bear with me ’cause I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. LOL

First blog post, ahh

Shout out to my sister Jess for helping me create this little blog. After spending a lot of time tossing ideas around, and the continuous talk of bacon, we finally reached an agreement. It’s 12:19am now, I’m exhausted. While I take my happy ass to sleep, Jess is going to explore WordPress and may create a blog of her own. If she does, I’ll mos def share that info with you. My sister is 16, but man, she’s ahead of her own time. She’s incredibly smart, she has a brilliant mind and has quite the sense of humor.

Jess, if you happen to read this, you’re my right hand. Thanks G.